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Depression and My Journey To Accepting It

It is possible to live with depression if one knows that at the end of their rope, there is One who loves them despite it all.

The Affects of Depression

I haven’t been doing the best lately. Most of my days have been spent curled up on my couch, surrounded by my over-the-top fluffy pillows and cozy sherpa throws. Hey, if you have to deal with depression, you might as well do it in cozy comfort. 🙂 I sway from giving myself the grace to just be in the season I’m in, to beating myself up saying, “Is this all you’re gonna do with your life?” Ugh. I mean seriously, there’s only so much couponing, meal-planning, laundry, dishes, shopping, and decorating one can do before looking at herself in the mirror and asking, “Now what?”

I found myself so discouraged the other night recognizing this all-too familiar place. I personally like my space when it’s filled with fun things, projects, and a life that gives me a feeling of purpose and fulfillment. But the reality is that place doesn’t really even exist. For all of it is temporary.

The story that Lori Salerno told at a youth function I attended years ago comes to mind. The story of the “hole” we each have within our hearts. We fill the empty space within our souls with money, success, fame, things, relationships, and such, and yet all of those things are temporary and have no ability to stand on their own. In an instant, any of those things can be gone.

I, too, come with such a cavity. And how easily and quickly I forget to put Jesus in this run-down, empty space. The place I want so desperately to fill up with all things temporary – so as to rid myself of the sadness and hurt that come with the harsh surroundings of this world – is quite possibly the place He is able to meet and love me the best. After all, I like most, try to shut him out when all is good and I’m going through the paces of this life.

But, maybe in some ways, depression is a gift.

For it here, in the quiet stillness of my surroundings, that I am reminded just how desperately I need Him. I can’t do life on my own, and I am a fragile, dependent, child in need of his comfort and care. It is here that He reminds me that I have purpose in simply being and that I need not do anything to be loved and accepted and enjoyed. It is here I’m shown a great amount of grace, for I have nothing to give in this place and yet I am reminded that I am still worthy of His love. And, it is here, that I’m shown the reality that when all else falls away, He does stand alone and can fill the empty places within.

And so today, I will sit and rest, and be kind to myself. I will enjoy the view from outside the windows before me, and soak up the sunshine filling the room. I will remember in my broken state that I am whole and that naps are not “bad,” but a present to one in need during this season of life.

It’s okay to be here. It’s okay.

To those who have been here, are here, or come to this place, remember you’re not alone. Take care of you and give yourself the grace to be broken and beautiful.

Til next time,

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Tanya StohlerDecember 14, 2015 - 10:35 pm

Praying fiercely for you! I am a phone call or a car ride away, always! Love you, and miss you so much.

Beth KerrDecember 15, 2015 - 8:35 pm

Tues. Dec. 15th
Dear Rania….Please know you are so loved and cherished by Jay and your girls and family and friends. I have felt depression in my life several years ago and it is real. Sometimes, I needed to slow down and take care of ME, and to let our loving Lord fill that empty hole in our being. Remember how precious you are in His sight…and that He can fill that void and renew your self worth. You are so loved….This will pass I promise, with God’s help. You are one awesome Mom, wife and friend to so many. I have not met you…but I love Jay and I know how much he loves you….Take care. Love, Beth Kerr Kokomo, In

rmcintyreDecember 22, 2015 - 8:00 pm

I know 🙂 Thank you.

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